Transitions...

And so it goes...last week was a trying one for me.  The expression on my face below pretty much sums it up; attempting to put on a somewhat presentable face while struggling on the inside. 

 

Initially I was feeling all the way down until I realized that I have been through a few of these transitions and they usually turn out for the best in the end.  

It hurts to realize friends you were once close with are no longer there or even worse that they have moved on with other friends when all of you used to roll together...and with no explanation...

It sucks to have to decline participation in things that you know would be amazing for your career but your coins arent quite right to make it happen...

Relationships are always hard work but when forced to look at yourself in the mirror instead of being so quick to point the finger at others is even harder...

Trying to balance your dreams with the responsibility of parenting, I mean come on!  No brainer we all know that isnt easy even if you do not have children of your own.

and so here I am.

A week later and while I do not consider myself a very religious person I do have my quiet meditation moments and time to reflect and I realize that all that took place last week is preparing me for whats next. 

Though I had some tough things to deal with they will only prove to empower me.  

Though I had to look at the things I need to change about myself I also was able to be a part of some amazing moments of positive transition for others (makeup for weddings and proms) and I think that's when the light-bulb moment happened.

I know its all very vague but I have to balance sharing without revealing too much.  So this blog will also transition a bit...I love beauty, that hasn't changed, but I want this space to be more personal.  It is Shana Janelle On...after all and that can really encompass anything I want to speak ON.  And so I will. 

Thank you for sticking with me as always and stay tuned!

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 26

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

photo c/o Naima aka FancyLibra27 (check out her blog and YT channel)

Each year our group of friends will take a trip.  In recent years, well really each year, it is hard to get everyone to go at the same time (i.e. in this pic two of the crew are missing).  In this picture we are in Arizona.  Yes it is hot in AZ BUT we had just finished an I dont know how long hot pink jeep ride up the mountains for a tour and it was freezing!  But it was so worth it - do you see that view?  

This was by far one of THE best trips we have ever taken.  We had great waiting to exhale moments and I hope we can come together soon for another trip of that same caliber.

In case you are wondering (L to R - me, Ebbony aka 2d, Attia aka Cookie, Naima (as referenced above) and Keisha aka Kesh)

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 22

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently. A letter to someone who broke my heart.

I will be honest with you all, I could write a really long letter for this but I have already wasted enough time and energy on this/these person/people.  You know how you give of yourself, listen to "friends" moan and groan about things and in the name of friendship you are there?  Saw someone I used to know the other day and it was like I was invisible. 

Its funny when you need an ear, a hello, ANYTHING, people get ghost...

Well like I said I refuse to write a letter... 

So plugged in, yet so disconnected

The other day I mentioned that my corner of the web, at least this one would be veering off onto a new path. I had no idea it would be with a post like this...

Its 3 something in the morning and im sitting in my car mobile blogging because I can't sleep...my brother is missing.

Its wild because when i got the call the first thing I did was check Facebook because he's always on Facebook. I thought checking his status would clue me in somehow. Like what were his posts like in the past few days, maybe they would hint to his frame of mind; perhaps he checked in somewhere; maybe someone mentioned meeting up. Well starting with his preferred social media platform did in fact clue me in...it showed that I need to stay in touch more often and probably by traditional methods of communication...apparently my brother deleted his account.

This triggers all types of emotions in me as i maneuver between writing this post and fielding calls from my brother's twin who has been driving around with their friends looking for him.

Im trying to do something, anything to occupy my mind and quiet my stress which has been at a heightened level lately but thats another post for another day.

You start to ask yourself questions-why wasnt i more plugged in? why am i so plugged in yet so disconnected from him? From all of my brothers at that. We all keep in contact via twitter and facebook but thats it. We can say its our schedules but ultimately if you want something bad enough you will make it happen...

I then began to wonder at the level of friendship that i have with people. If i were to go missing in the middle of the night would the people i count as friends hop in their cars with no question and drive around looking for me? Would i do the same if the tables were turned?

I started writing this around 3a, it is now creeping up on 4a and i am no longer in my car. My brother is still missing and has been missing for who knows how long. Now the authorities have been called and both my parents know. I actually have a client in the morning and will be working off no sleep. I dropped the ball on being a big sister, I dont deserve to sleep right now. I could point fingers as i know what may have set these wheels in motion, what may have contributed to his mental state but I play a part in it also for being detached. If i was more plugged in I wouldve known hes been really down lately. Oh the stigma of mental health concerns in the black community...

He has made mistakes but he wants to be a better man, I know that, but he cannot catch a break. He just took some wrong turns in life but can still turn a corner...i just want the chance to tell him that. To hug him and tell him I love him...I want to fight for him. I want him home safe.

Im certain we will all be meeting up soon. It just sucks that it took this for it to happen.

EDIT: Thank you all for your concern, well wishes and prayers. My brother was found and ok for the most part. Now the healing begins

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