Sunday, June 26, 2011

So plugged in, yet so disconnected

The other day I mentioned that my corner of the web, at least this one would be veering off onto a new path. I had no idea it would be with a post like this...

Its 3 something in the morning and im sitting in my car mobile blogging because I can't brother is missing.

Its wild because when i got the call the first thing I did was check Facebook because he's always on Facebook. I thought checking his status would clue me in somehow. Like what were his posts like in the past few days, maybe they would hint to his frame of mind; perhaps he checked in somewhere; maybe someone mentioned meeting up. Well starting with his preferred social media platform did in fact clue me showed that I need to stay in touch more often and probably by traditional methods of communication...apparently my brother deleted his account.

This triggers all types of emotions in me as i maneuver between writing this post and fielding calls from my brother's twin who has been driving around with their friends looking for him.

Im trying to do something, anything to occupy my mind and quiet my stress which has been at a heightened level lately but thats another post for another day.

You start to ask yourself questions-why wasnt i more plugged in? why am i so plugged in yet so disconnected from him? From all of my brothers at that. We all keep in contact via twitter and facebook but thats it. We can say its our schedules but ultimately if you want something bad enough you will make it happen...

I then began to wonder at the level of friendship that i have with people. If i were to go missing in the middle of the night would the people i count as friends hop in their cars with no question and drive around looking for me? Would i do the same if the tables were turned?

I started writing this around 3a, it is now creeping up on 4a and i am no longer in my car. My brother is still missing and has been missing for who knows how long. Now the authorities have been called and both my parents know. I actually have a client in the morning and will be working off no sleep. I dropped the ball on being a big sister, I dont deserve to sleep right now. I could point fingers as i know what may have set these wheels in motion, what may have contributed to his mental state but I play a part in it also for being detached. If i was more plugged in I wouldve known hes been really down lately. Oh the stigma of mental health concerns in the black community...

He has made mistakes but he wants to be a better man, I know that, but he cannot catch a break. He just took some wrong turns in life but can still turn a corner...i just want the chance to tell him that. To hug him and tell him I love him...I want to fight for him. I want him home safe.

Im certain we will all be meeting up soon. It just sucks that it took this for it to happen.

EDIT: Thank you all for your concern, well wishes and prayers. My brother was found and ok for the most part. Now the healing begins

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