Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dont Try This At Home...Results May Vary...

Jay Z fans should know where I got that from - I love that song...

Anyway, I am referencing a song in the title of this post but we are all familiar with the phrase and while it has been ingrained in my brain since I have been able to comprehend the message I confess that I dont always heed the warning...

WARNING: the following post contains adult language, adult situations and self inflicted violence - viewer discretion is advised

WARNING #2 - this is a lengthy post with absolutely no incriminating photos, but you can create your own image in your mind's eye...

Case in point I was in Bed, Bath and Beyond (have you really taken the time to peruse this establishment?  I mean beauty items, scented candles, As Seen On TV gems, oh and of course bed and bath stuff, its a great place to get lost in...) and while "the sig" chose to nab a few free massages from one of the Homedics chairs (there's a lot of product and brand placement in this post so far huh?  I assure you I am not being paid or endorsed or anything to merely talk about what I did the other day in case anyone in particular was wondering :sideeye), I took the time to look around and see what bargains or new beauty products I could find.

I grabbed a set of EcoTools (more on those in a future post), as well as some candles since I like to keep them in my home and then for some reason I gravitated to the hair removal section (yeah, I know what you are thinking...wait for it...)  they had depilatories, razors, but of course I went straight to the wax.  Never mind that I have to FORCE myself to get my brows waxed, let alone my upper lip (TMI? hey I know Im not the only one!), I hate tweezing my brows, just any type of hair removal gets on my nerves.  Why do we even have to go through this?  I mean it IS by choice but you know what I mean...

I guess I was in an adventurous mood because I decide I am going to wax my upper lip AND my bikini area (again TMI? sorry its my blog and I'll type what I want to LOL)  I grab the trusty Nads for my face and some brand Ive never heard of for the bikini area - now why I didnt get Nads for both is beyond me but I didnt. 

Fast forward to later - I have some me time and I decide this will be as good a time as any to give it a go.  The Nads was actually not that bad.  It came with desensitizing wipes and some oil and it didnt hurt that bad - keeping in mind though that I am kinda used to the pain that comes along with applying wax to your face and ripping it off (I mean really what are we thinking when we subject ourselves to these rituals of beauty???).  So then I figure oh well maybe I CAN do this after all.  I get in position with product number two that shall not be named and I follow the directions and...

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!  WHO IN THE HELL DOES THIS BY THEMSELVES ON A REGULAR DAMN BASIS?????  ARE YOU SERIOUS YOUNG?!?!?!?!? I wanted to slap myself it hurt so fockin bad!  I have a high tolerance for pain so for me to say this is saying a lot.  To add insult to injury (literally!) the damn thing pulled off maybe two hairs and the rest of the got damn wax was still where I placed it - OH EM GEE DUB BUH YOO TEE EFF!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I am sitting there like oh you cannot be real right now!!!!  So here goes rocket scientist me, ok let me put another wax strip on there and maybe that will help but I guess I was moving so fast that my brain didnt really have time to transmit to my extremeties that IT HURT LIKE FIRE THE FIRST TIME SO WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU APPLY EVEN MORE WAX GENIUS????  Too late - the next wax strip was on there and thats when my brain power decided to kick in and I remembered the pain, so of course I couldnt take it off...woe is me...

So I sit there, spread eagle, with both hands on this wax strip in the bathroom like ok wtf am I supposed to do now???  I am looking around the bathroom for anything to help save me and nothing is clicking so then I come to the realization that as much as I hate to do it, I will have to call in for reinforcements...

"The Sig" was watching the game in the living room so I crab walk out to him and he is looking at me like I have completely lost it - little did he know - so I bust out laughing, probably from momentary insanity and explain my predicament.  All he can do is shake his head but he comes to my rescue.  I tell him what he has to do very carefully and bite down on a bath towel since the little ones were asleep and I didnt want them to hear my blood curdling screams.  It takes a good four or five false starts but he finally RIPS the strip off...to my surprise it doesnt hurt...THATS BECAUSE EVEN MORE WAX IS NOW IN THE SAME AREA!!!  OH MY GAWD WHYYYYYYY??????  NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???? 

I wanted to cry so bad yall like for real.  "the sig" is like I mean I did what you told me to do, etc yada yada and he really did and I didnt blame him at all.  I was pissed at myself more than anything.  I crab walk back into the bathroom and read the box again and it keeps referencing this lotion to use if you dont get all the wax off and I am freaking out cause I dont know what the hell they are talking about but lo and behold there is this tiny vial of a pink liquid substance.  I figure this is the lotion so I apply it and thank goodness it worked. *whew*

I tried waxing at home and the truth is...I will never do that sh!t again in life and yes I am saying NEVER!!!!  I gladly hand over my nether regions to more experienced hands...

Blog Archive