Just Shana: Real Talk * parental guidance is suggested*

Dionne Farris sang it best (if you dont get the reference I direct you to Google what you think the image is...).  I feel just like that right now...up to my head in it for real!

I gave myself a deadline that I am fast approaching, and while I have had many great experiences that many only dream about, experiences dont pay the bills.   Literally.  As I sit here my phone is off, the gas in the car is low and so are the groceries in the fridge.  At the beginning of this week I had the most awesome prospect on the horizon, probably my biggest to date and it fell through...at the eleventh hour, making me lose out on 2 days of my day rate and let me tell you something - my day rate is not low.  So you can understand my excitement and then my complete heartbreak over it not happening.

Heres the thing that no one tells you when you have the bright idea to make it as a makeup artist...this shit is hard.  I mean like real hard.  If you are fully vested in it you can probably liken it to that of being in a relationship with someone who doesnt love you as much as you love them...yeah just like that.  You invest your time trying to prove that you love it, deserve it, will do anything for it, spend a great deal of your money on it, you are all wrapped up in it and after all that you are LUCKY if you even get a call back.  And just like either you or your good girlfriend who wont leave that good for nothing dude who could care less about them, you cant tell yourself/them nothing until one day you/they just snap and say F this, Im out.  After four years I am at that point.

All I want is to make it in the section of the industry that I love, I have the experience and the talent and it just   wont happen like I want it to.  I could blame a number of things - not being as flexible as I would like to be when things come up, other artists undercutting and therefore causing productions to undervalue what makeup + hair can bring to the project, not wanting to continuously kiss ass to get my foot in the door but it would all amount to the same thing - not enough work to go around...or not enough paid work.

I get questions all the time - how did you get the courage to follow your dream, when is the right time to leave your job and pursue your passion full time, etc so on and so forth.  Look, I wish I could tell you the magic answer but the truth is, there isnt one.  Either you are going to do it or you arent and either its going to work or it isnt.  Point blank.  Its real vague because this whole damn thing is vague as fock.  My journey cant be yours cause its mine as random as that sounds.  My uncle told me something a couple of weeks ago - you know how you know you are supposed to be doing something?  Because you are doing it.

I kinda know this is for me - nah fock that I KNOW this is for me.  I havent been as sure about anything else in life but I also know that even if I do continue I HAVE to be smart and find another source of income.  It pains me to say it but I have been sending out resumes all week and not just for makeup positions.  Yes my friends I have decided to fall back on my Communications degree and Administrative background as well.  So by this time next month a number of things could be going on.  I have never held back before and I wont start now, so whatever happens I will keep you posted.

I had to take a break from my posts/vids about makeup because I look a mess.  Dried up tears, hair everywhere and no makeup would not be cute on screen but I will be back.  Just wanted you all to know whats what.  Especially those who saw my Facebook post yesterday.

*UPDATE* Even before I could finish this post I received a call about setting up an interview for a Full Time job...that call was bittersweet...